


Letters to heaven

by Gabe_is_still_alive656



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Don't Judge, F/M, Hurt Dean Winchester, M/M, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sometimes Sad, first fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-24
Updated: 2016-03-26
Packaged: 2018-04-16 23:04:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4643358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gabe_is_still_alive656/pseuds/Gabe_is_still_alive656
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So this is what i thought would be in the letters Dean writes Cas. Sometimes it gets a bit angsty but sometimes it's happy letters. I suck at summaries and tags so judge my witting skills by these things please. Also I couldn't figure out how to credit this work any other way but is inspired by Twist and Shout by Gabriel and standbyme on this very website, if you haven't checked that out I highly recomend you to do so</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. April, 1981

**Author's Note:**

> The first letter is really just him saying how sorry he is and how much he misses Cas. If you're wanting to see what he writes about everyday life then I advise you wait until chapter 2.

April, 1981

  
Dear Cas,  
I want to start off by saying I’m sorry as Hell that I left you and I would take it back in an instant if I could. I would stay with you and get better and do all the things we should have done. Even though I was with you right there at the end and apologized so many times…. it wasn’t enough, we should have had more years together, should have gone to the beach more times, maybe even travel a bit.

  
We should have been able to do all that but I was stupid and left. I said a million times it was because I didn’t want to drag you down with me to the Hell i was doomed to, but looking back now it was just because I hated seeing you suffer so I left in order to not see it anymore but that just made it worse and I’m sorry.

  
I also want to say that I miss the fuck outta you. It gets just a little bit easier each day, but the pain isn’t gone; I’m just used to it.Sometimes, on days like today when I come and I see Sammy, Jess, and Abigail, I stop on the way to their house. They live real close to the graveyard you’re in so I can visit you too.Sometime I see one of your brothers or Tessa there; I haven’t seen Balthazar but I’m sure he comes around too. I go as often as I can but sometimes I can’t and I miss you a million times more.

  
Well I’d better go Sammy and Jess just pulled up and it’s getting late. I hope to write you again soon but I might not be able to. I love you. See you then.  
\- Dean


	2. May 2, 1981

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean tells Cas what's happened in his life since he's been gone... kinda sad in some parts but I tried to throw in a little bit of happiness.... I may or may not have failed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know a whole lot of things that happened in the '80s so there's not a lot of facts in here. If you have any information please let me know what it is and when it happened so i can have Dean telling Cas the news stories and stuffs... thanks :)

May 2, 1981

Dear Cas, Today is Sammy’s birthday and I realized that i haven’t wrote to you since his and Jess’s anniversary last month so I thought I should fill you in on what’s been happening since you passed. Man that is still hard to say. Anyway here goes.

To be honest nothing much has really happened. I met up with Gabe for lunch once and we talked and had a good time. I have a feeling he and Sammy could hit it off if I introduced them to each other. I have Bobby’s old truck now, instead of that motorcycle. I sometimes miss it, but this is easier. I don’t have to worry about freezing to death in the winter this way.

I came to your grave and played Elvis on out anniversary. It hurt a lot but I couldn’t bring myself to drink the pain away because that just reminded me of what made me leave you and that hurt more.

Last time I wrote you I forgot to mention that Tessa had said there had been more cases like you. Boys coming in, getting worse and worse no matter what the hospital does, and dying. They can’t figure out what is happening but all the boys that come in are about the age you were, all of them gay too. They don’t know why it’s only in gay guys so far but those are the only ones.

I have dreams about you sometimes too, sometimes they’re like the ones I had in the war but most of the time they’re happy. I had one a couple nights ago that was happy until it turned sad. It was the story of me and you. A few details were missing and I don’t remember all of it but the beginning was the party you and I met at and the end was your funeral. I woke up crying and the neighbors came over to see if I was okay. I told them everything was fine I just had a bad night. It wasn’t really a lie but it wasn’t completely true either.

I still miss you more than words can describe but I’m gonna go before I start crying again. I’ll write you soon.

I love you. See you then.

\- Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If there's anything you don't like please let me know so I can try to change it to please my lovely readers :)


	3. May 9, 1981

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean has a writing schedule figured out, he thinks about moving closer to Sam and Jess, has a nice little rant about inflation, has lunch with Balthazar, is slightly selfish, and has a lot of work to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to stay awake so I might be posting a lot because it gives me something to do while I patiently await 9 pm   
> still don't know much about '81 so if you have any pointers let me know in the comments. Thanks for reading :) Mistakes are my own.

May 9, 1981

Dear Cas,

I’ve decided that I’m going to write you every week, every time something happens where I just start missing you fifty times worse than I already do, or on special dates. Sam helped me figure it out so I can write you a lot but not have it take up all of my life. I gotta have something to write about after all, right? 

I’m thinking of moving closer to Sammy and Jess. It’ll be a shorter drive when they want me to babysit, or when a new Elvis record comes out, or really any time I feel like visiting you instead of writing you. Prices have been crazy! And not just on gas, but everything. Got a pack of smokes the other day and it was fifty cents plus tax! I know it’s not too incredibly expensive but when we were together they were something like thirty plus tax. It’s insane, they call it inflation or something. I don’t know you were always the one who was good at that kind of stuff. You’d be able to explain it.

I had a weird dream last night. Or maybe it was the night before. I don’t remember;it was weird but it was good. You and I were married and -now here’s the real weird part- you were pregnant. Not too pregnant but that weird stage where you can hide it if you want but if you don’t nobody has to ask if you’re pregnant or just fat. I was talking to the baby, telling it how much we were gonna love it and how much it would be spoiled because it was gonna be an only child. When I realized that I was dreaming I wished I wasn’t. Because even though the pregnancy would never happen, we could get married. Not legally obviously, but we could have our own little ceremony at home, have some cake, and have everyone who accepts us there.It wouldn’t look like more than just a party to any one outside looking in, but to us, we’d be married.

I miss you so bad I could have sworn I saw you on the corner today, but the man had a wife and a daughter, so it couldn’t have been you. It’s okay though because I’m on the straight and narrow now trying to do anything and everything to get into heaven to see you again. Everybody says you went to Hell for being queer, but I don’t see any God worth worshipping that would make you gay and then not accept you for being something he created. I believe you’re in heaven, Sammy does too, says you were too good of a guy to die a horrible death and then be damned for all eternity afterword. He could’ve just been saying that because he knows how much I love you and how much I miss you, but he sounded sincere.

I had lunch with Balth the other day, he was in town visiting some old friends and I happened to be on that list. He asked how I was doing and I told him pretty much everything I told you, I left out some details for obvious reasons but , according to him, I’m a total mess. I mean, I think I’m doing okay but I think it’s the difference in culture because Sam said I was doing better than most people in this situation. I feel kinda bad though because I purposely didn’t mention writing helps me because I was afraid he’d want to write you too and he already got you during your final years. Granted that is my fault but I still regret it. And this is my way of coping. It’s how I keep from breaking down crying in the middle of the day because Elvis came on the radio. He can find his own way. I hope me saying this doesn’t make me a bad person. Or selfish or any of that shit, but I kinda just want you to myself.

Well, I wanna say more but I gotta get ready for work. Got a full day ahead of me, some dude totaled his car and wants me personally to fix it. I’m practically gonna have to build it from the ground up, but it’s good pay so I might as well.

I love you.See you then .

\- Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got the prices for the cigarettes from googleanswers.com. If there's anything you don't like let me know and I will try to appease you. I'm sorry for any errors and/or coming off as snarky It's four AM and I'm hald dead but trying to stay awake.


	4. May 16, 1981

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot of stuff happens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mistakes are my own

May 16, 1981  
Dear Cas,  
Last week was a roller coaster! I mean Sammy and Jess said they were trying for another baby, I found a place in the same town as them I like, and not to even mention work! I can’t tell you how many times i thought “I can’t wait to write Cas about this!” . You got me excited about doing something I hated since my first day of school. Took something I dreaded and turned it into something I looked forward to. Sam says you’re a miracle worker, always were. Can’t say he’s wrong honestly.

So the guy who’s car I was working on was the guy I thought was you on the corner. His name is Jimmy and he’s the spitting image of you, I almost started crying then and there and I called him Cas more than once. I’m not sure he noticed. If he did he didn’t say anything. I agreed to fix his car but he’s going to have to talk to somebody else when he comes in, I’m not sure I could do that again without crying. He looked like you in all my good memories. The ones before you got sick. Slightly tanned skin, bright blue eyes, and skinny but not so skinny you could see his bones. I almost asked if he knew you but, I don’t wanna ask and then be disappointed if he says no. I’d be sad if he said yes too because then he’d probably talk about you and I can barely think about you without crying. 

I also found a place near you, and Sam. I might get it if it’s not too much. Inflation is a bitch. It’s a small little one bedroom one bathroom apartment with an office I could turn into a guest bedroom. The living room is decent sized and the kitchen is small but it’s all I’ll need since I’m gonna live alone. I might get a boyfriend in a few years….maybe. I’ll see how I feel. If I do I promise I’ll ask you. That seems weird to some people but honestly, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t. I’ll still write to you. If he thinks it’s weird he can go fuck himself. You’re my first real love, you’re my happiness, my guilt, my sadness, and my heart. No matter what happens, or who I date or whatever you will be my first love. You will always hold that place in my heart. 

Wow that got sappy. But you’re worth it. For you, I alow chick flick moments. When Sam gets to heaven please don’t tell him that, he’ll get jelous. Speaking of Sam, I told you he and Jess are trying for another baby. Yeah, they miss having a little baby around the house now that Abby is getting so big. Besides they don’t want her to be an oly child. Jess was and she always hated not having a sibling.And they know that it sometimes takes a long time to get pregnant and they don’t want to be “so old” when they have it. No matter how mant times I say niether one of them is even close to old yet they won’t believe me. Whatever, just another niece or nephew I get to spoil the fuck out of.

Sorry I gotta cut this short but I don’t have anything else this week. Not a whole lot happened. I know I said it was a roller caoaster and it was, with the few things that happened it was really a roller coaster.

I love you.See you then.  
\- Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you don't like anything please tell me and I'll try to accomodate


	6. Little note

Hey guys...I don't know how many of you read the story so far or are wanting another chapter but if anyone is out there who does i have a SERIOUS case of writers block for this story but I've started a couple other ones I'll be working on until I get over this little hump. If you have any ideas tell me in the comments. :)


	7. May 16, 1981

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean has an emotional week and tells Cas about apartments he likes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry I had writers block real bad for a few weeks and then kept procrastinating, then i got busy and...I need to figure out a writing schedule lol. Still don't know anything about the '80's so I apologize for any inaccuracy.

May 16, 1981  
Dear Cas,  
Last week was a roller coaster! I mean Sammy and Jess said they were trying for another baby, I found a place in the same town as them I like, and not to even mention work! I can’t tell you how many times i thought “I can’t wait to write Cas about this!” . You got me excited about doing something I hated since my first day of school. Took something I dreaded and turned it into something I looked forward to. Sam says you’re a miracle worker, always were. Can’t say he’s wrong honestly.

So the guy who’s car I was working on was the guy I thought was you on the corner. His name is Jimmy and he’s the spitting image of you, I almost started crying then and there and I called him Cas more than once. I’m not sure he noticed. If he did he didn’t say anything. I agreed to fix his car but he’s going to have to talk to somebody else when he comes in, I’m not sure I could do that again without crying. He looked like you in all my good memories. The ones before you got sick. Slightly tanned skin, bright blue eyes, and skinny but not so skinny you could see his bones. I almost asked if he knew you but, I don’t wanna ask and then be disappointed if he says no. I’d be sad if he said yes too because then he’d probably talk about you and I can barely think about you without crying. 

I also found a place near you, and Sam. I might get it if it’s not too much. Inflation is a bitch. It’s a small little one bedroom one bathroom apartment with an office I could turn into a guest bedroom. The living room is decent sized and the kitchen is small but it’s all I’ll need since I’m gonna live alone. I might get a boyfriend in a few years….maybe. I’ll see how I feel. If I do I promise I’ll ask you. That seems weird to some people but honestly, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t. I’ll still write to you. If he thinks it’s weird he can go fuck himself. You’re my first real love, you’re my happiness, my guilt, my sadness, and my heart. No matter what happens, or who I date or whatever you will be my first love. You will always hold that place in my heart.

Wow that got sappy. But you’re worth it. For you, I alow chick flick moments. When Sam gets to heaven please don’t tell him that, he’ll get jelous. Speaking of Sam, I told you he and Jess are trying for another baby. Yeah, they miss having a little baby around the house now that Abby is getting so big. Besides they don’t want her to be an only child. Jess was and she always hated not having a sibling.And they know that it sometimes takes a long time to get pregnant and they don’t want to be “so old” when they have it. No matter how mant times I say niether one of them is even close to old yet they won’t believe me. Whatever, just another niece or nephew I get to spoil the fuck out of.

Sorry I gotta cut this short but I don’t have anything else this week. Not a whole lot happened. I know I said it was a roller coaaster and it was, with the few things that happened it was really a roller coaster.

I love you.See you then.


	8. May 23, 1981

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean's grief consuler has a few ideas Dean isn't entirely fond of but is willing to try

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey sorry it's been a while school has been crazy asf lol. still not entirely sure what the 80's were like so comments would help

May 23, 1981  
Dear Cas,  
I went to the beach the other day, it wasn’t our beach, the one we went to when you were alive, but it reminded me of our vacation there. I remember you were in that beautiful blue blazer that made your eyes stick out like the sun on a cloudy day.I remember you throwing shells into the ocean and watching them sink.I remember a lot about that day, but I don’t remember your voice. It’s been slowly fading but last night was the first dream I had where I couldn’t hear your voice. Anyway, I only went because Sam and Jess wanted me to babysit Abby and I was running out of spots toddlers would like.

She’s really getting big, I love her like my own little girl. She likes giraffes and zebras, she doesn’t much care for the other zoo animals though. She likes a little bit of classic rock but I showed her Elvis to see how she’d like it and she just smiled and danced as well as her little legs would let her. She always wants to come over to my place these days because she loves chocolate milk and I told her I’d give her some when I finished un-packing my new apartment but that ian’t going to be for a while. I just signed the papers for the apartment between you and Sam four days ago. It’s huge and cheap and you would’ve loved it.

I keep getting off topic but I just love writing to you I forget about the fact that I’m rambling to a person that’s probably not even there. I do believe that you’re in Heaven and you watch over the people you love but i can’t bring myself to think that after everything I put you through you would watch over me still. It makes me feel giulty.

I’m trying to quit smoking, it’s a nasty ahbit and though I don’t want to believe you’re watching over me, at the same time I do and the part of me that thinks you are watching over me also thinks you want me to stay a live for as long as I can and live enough for the two of us.

Speaking of living enough for the both of us I’m going to stop writing for a while. Not a long while but a while. I’ve started seeing a grief therapist (per Sam’s request) and she wants me to not write to you for a month because she says I’m depending on these letters for comfort. She’s kind of right though. But she says it is healthy to write to you, just not as often as I do. She wants to slowly “wean”me off of these letters so I’m only writing to you 3 times a year. Your birthday, our aqnniversary, new years day. She says I can write to you if I feel like I need to, too but the goal is just 3 times a year. i think she’s stupid but I might as well see if it helps a little bit.

I still love you though and if I don’t like not writing to you more than 3 times a year then I’ll write you as often as I please, like I do now. I just...hope you won’t forget me. I kn ow you’re in heaven probably watching over me and you probably won’t forget me and iI know I won’t forget you. 

I love you.I’ll miss you.See you then.  
\- Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you have any requests (ie cas becoming an angel and having jimmy be his vessel and everyone think dean is insane or dean getting super excited/mad/any strong emotion at something and writing to cas ) or something just comment thank you!


	9. May 23, 1981

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean went to the beach, talks about Abby, his new place, and tells Cas he's started grief therapy

May 23, 1981  
Dear Cas,  
I went to the beach the other day, it wasn’t our beach, the one we went to when you were alive, but it reminded me of our vacation there. I remember you were in that beautiful blue blazer that made your eyes stick out like the sun on a cloudy day.I remember you throwing shells into the ocean and watching them sink.I remember a lot about that day, but I don’t remember your vioce.It’s been slowly fading but last night was the first dream I had where I couldn’t hear your voice. Anyway, I only went because Sam and Jess wanted me to babysit Abby and I was running out of spots toddlers would like.

She’s really getting big, I love her like my own little girl. She likes giraffes and zebras, she doesn’t much care for the other zoo animals though. She likes a little bit of classic rock but I showed her Elvis to see how she’d like it and she just smiled and danced as well as her little legs would let her. She always wants to come over to my place these days because she loves chocolate milk and I told her I’d give her some when I finished un-packing my new apartment but that ian’t going to be for a while. I just signed the papers for the apartment between you and Sam four days ago. It’s huge and cheap and you would’ve loved it.

I keep getting off topic but I just love writing to you I forget about the fact that I’m rambling to a person that’s probably not even there. I do believe that you’re in Heaven and you watch over the people you love but i can’t bring myself to think that after everything I put you through you would watch over me still. It makes me feel giulty.

I’m trying to quit smoking, it’s a nasty ahbit and though I don’t want to believe you’re watching over me, at the same time I do and the part of me that thinks you are watching over me also thinks you want me to stay a live for as long as I can and live enough for the two of us.

Speaking of living enough for the both of us I’m going to stop writing for a while. Not a long while but a while. I’ve started seeing a grief therapist (per Sam’s request) and she wants me to not write to you for a month because she says I’m depending on these letters for comfort. She’s kind of right though. But she says it is healthy to write to you, just not as often as I do. She wants to slowly “wean”me off of these letters so I’m only writing to you 3 times a year. Your birthday, our aqnniversary, new years day. She says I can write to you if I feel like I need to, too but the goal is just 3 times a year. i think she’s stupid but I might as well see if it helps a little bit.

I still love you though and if I don’t like not writing to you more than 3 times a year then I’ll write you as often as I please, like i do now.

I love you.I’ll miss you.See you then.  
\- Dean

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think and if you don't like any one part about it please voice your complaint in the comments section and I will try to change it.


End file.
